"Dear Henry,

We're looking forward to having you stay with us here in Holland until you can find a place of your own.

It's a while now since I left England and moved here so I thought I might pass on a few tips on living in the Netherlands......."

"..... understand the 'Priority to the Right' rule. Generally, anyone entering from the right has priority. So as you speed down some major thoroughfare, a little old lady in a rusty Renault will sail calmly into your path from some barely visible cart-track to your right......"

"....speed limits are shown by illuminated signs on gantries above the lanes of the snelweg. Generally when these show '70' this means the traffic ahead is moving at about 50kph. When they show '50', it means the traffic ahead is stationary."

"....cyclists on busy roads steering with one hand and eating an ice cream with the other. If it's raining, one hand will hold an umbrella. When it's very cold, both hands will be held over the ears. This cuts out all those annoying car horns too...."

"....neighbourhood shopping centre (winkelcentrum) will also have been purpose built for the cyclist. Nearby there will be large numbers of cycle racks and covered cycle sheds. The Dutch don't use these. They leave their cycles across the shop doorways......"

".... Kroket is very popular here. Imagine a sausage about two inches in diameter and maybe four inches long with a crunchy coating and inside a mud-coloured meaty goo...."

"....the Dutch vocabulary than the English one. You can re-use the same word for multiple meanings. Take the word 'zak' for example. Een theezak is a tea-bag. Een broekzak is a trouser-pocket (a 'pocket', by the way, is a paperback book). Don't ask what a klootzak is....."

"....I was a bit confused when I got a note from the optician saying that my new bril (spectacle frames) were ready. When I looked it up, turns out 'bril' is also the word for 'lavatory seat'......"

"....In Holland when you say it's half-tien (half-ten) you mean it's 9:30. (half an hour before 10). But wait; it gets worse. When it's 9.35 what do you say? You say it's vijf over half-tien. (5 minutes after half an hour before 10). Carry a calculator with you. Always....."

"....the girl at the cash till (kassa) is just like her British counterpart. She's on autopilot. Her routine starts with "Bonuskaart?", asking if you're a member of that supermarket chain's discount scheme. Next comes "Zegels?", asking if you want the saving stamps. Finally she asks "Airmiles?". Just answer "Nee" all the time. Actually, it doesn't matter what you answer; she's not listening....."

".....don't buy an English-Dutch dictionary. I can guarantee that the word you want has seven different translations and the meaning you need is probably the fourth....."

"....and then shown into the lounge where every available chair in the house will have been arranged in a circle. If more than a few guests are expected, the entire household will have been scoured to find sufficient seating. Expect therefore a wide selection of seats from dining chairs to garden deckchairs...."

"....constantly pushing aanbiedingen (special offers). In strident newspaper advertising you'll see leegverkoop (sell-out) sales and the cryptic messages "op=op" or "uit=uit". It took me a while to figure out what these formulae mean. My best shot is the statement of the blindingly obvious: "When they're all gone, they're all gone.....".

"....midnight on New Year's Eve we have the mass letting-off of fireworks. This knocks Guy Fawkes Night into a cocked hat. On November the 5th in Britain, folks start their firework parties at random times. Here, midnight is THE moment and the place just erupts. I do wonder, though, if on New Year's Eve in China, they set off cheap, illegal, Dutch fireworks. It would only be fair......"

"....phoning your doctor. When you get the receptionist, before you have a chance to say anything, you get a "Heeft u een ogenblikje, alstublieft?" ('have you a little eye-blink, please?') then she puts you on hold. An ogenblikje is obviously a unit of measure of time. See if you can find out how long...."

"....the first word I learned for "noise" was "lawaai". Now I know an alternative; "herrie". While "lawaai" means just noise in general, "herrie" has negative connotations. In other words; nasty noise. So Tchaikovsky is lawaai but Tina Turner is definitely herrie.